Opinions from the Mountain: Week 1

We need to stop. 

Jordan and I need to stop doing a lot of things. Eating at restaurants too often, for example. Sharing our unprompted opinions, for another. We’ve been told this many times, and we acknowledge the general public probably knows what is best. Fortunately, societal pressure has never stopped us before and certainly won’t now. Instead of breaking bad habits, we are leaning into them with a new series called Opinions from the Mountain. 

In these weekly columns, we will share our unqualified viewpoints and hot takes about a variety of vaguely related topics. We will not let facts, statistics, or differing thoughts get in the way of our entertainment and happiness. If a reader disagrees, we encourage them to let us know. Fair warning: anything they say or anything we make up that they said will be used in a later edition of the columns.

Our inaugural edition tackles the toughest dilemma many high schoolers face every week, “Where do you want to eat?” It’s a simple yet impossible question. Luckily, we have created a list of the ten best after-school restaurants based on their food, affordability, homework hospitality, distance from Hough, whether or not it’s a small business, and overall vibe.  

Whether you have early release or are looking for the perfect way to satiate after a practice or rehearsal to extend the already exhausting school day, you simply can’t go wrong with these ten spots.

10. Chick-fil-A: The food and service are impeccable. I know multiple people who claim to be vegetarians who will cave for Chick-fil-A and multiple people who are allergic to the food (it’s fried in peanut oil) who will take the reaction in favor of the food- undeniable greatness. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a drive, it’s not a small business, and no one has ever done homework there. 

Whittier’s go-to order: Chicken Sandwich (no pickles) with fries (with Chick-fil-A sauce) and a drink. 

Jordan’s go-to order: Deluxe Chicken Sandwich (WITH pickles, you maniac) with fries, Chick-fil-A sauce, and a drink. 

9. Panera: Panera is probably the most overhyped location on this list. Seven dollars for a small cup of average mac and cheese is an utter abomination. With that being said, it’s a great study spot, and this list would be a sham if it wasn’t begrudgingly included.

Whittier’s go-to order: Crumbl cookie from next door and a drink to justify being in the restaurant. 

Jordan’s go-to order: Mediterranean grain bowl if I’m lacking the self-respect to refrain from purchasing their overpriced food.

7. Tropical Smoothie Cafe:  This place is so much more than smoothies. The quesadillas, flatbreads, and wraps are phenomenal. That’s not disrespect to the smoothies; those things slap. It might not technically be a small business, but the franchise is owned by two people who are always there, so it kind of counts. 

Whittier’s go-to order: Chipotle Chicken Club (no tomatoes) with a Beach Bum smoothie. 

Jordan’s go-to order: Island Green smoothie. 

3. The Halal Food Cart: You’re telling me I can get enough halal food to feed an elephant, plus a drink and a killer hot sauce- for twelve bucks? This local classic provides both a mouthwatering experience and a convincing argument for the importance of mobile food joints in a community. The only downside here is that, being a food truck and all, nice weather’s a prerequisite to having an enjoyable experience here.

Jordan’s go-to order: Chicken + lamb combo gyro with fries, red sauce, and a Diet Coke.

Whittier’s go-to order: Make the Diet Coke a Fanta and I agree.

1. Zaxby’s: Breaded to perfection, juicy beyond comprehension, with tenderness that surpasses what skeptics believe is possible; Zaxby’s chicken is simply something extraordinary. And with large tables that are perfect for tackling homework, this spot was simply built for the afterschool grub experience.

Jordan’s go-to order: Four-piece tender combo with fries, Zax sauce, and a drink.

Whittier’s go-to order: Kickin Chicken Sandwich with fries, spicy Zax sauce, and a drink.